This post is the first in a series republishing out of print work from LOST FUTURES. This work first featured in LOST FUTURES volume 1: in search of lost time. It was written by kieran cutting and has been redrafted for publication on EXIT Signs.
I am slowly learning that there are two ghosts
which haunt my memory of you.
There’s the ghost which is you as you were then -
your touch, your breath, your smell,
the general shape of you.
Confident beyond your years but wary of exit signs.
And there’s the ghost which is you now -
who I have never known, and will never know;
who lives on the other side of the world,
who sold wine before going back to school to fill
in the gaps left by me and others,
who probably even smells different than the you I knew.
Light candles hoping to conjure a smile
that made everything feel possible,
a spectre who knows how to break every fibre of me.
Blood magic always goes wrong. Instead,
here I am with a ghost I’ve never seen.
Each visitation brings some new revelation:
the ring given to you by your fourth fiancé,
first husband. Baby clothes. Maple syrup.
Signs of a life I don’t recognise.
Now and then, a reminder that you’re running from ghosts, too.
The ghost I want doesn’t exist,
doesn’t know how to hold me in her wispy fingers.
Instead, gather all of her belongings
and prepare for an exorcism.